My MIL is constantly falling asleep. It wouldn’t really matter if it weren’t so disruptive to my life. For the past 6 months she has been acting out dreams and talking in her sleep. This is apparently a common sleep disorder for people with Parkinson’s. If she were only falling asleep in her bedroom it wouldn’t be a problem, but MIL is falling asleep everywhere. It’s like she has narcolepsy. Sometimes I sit and watch her out of sheer curiosity. The other day she was eating her lunch and she kept nodding off, and I watched her salad bowl slowly start to slide as her hand fell into the salad. I was going to wake her up to prevent a spill, but MIL’s hand in the bowl prevented further slippage. Maybe the nice thing to do would be to wake her up anyway, but that never goes well.
Whenever we tell her to wake up she insists that she was not sleeping. And since she usually falls asleep in our living room while we are watching TV this has been a huge issue. She gets angry and defensive when we wake her up, “I wasn’t sleeping, I was resting my eyes!” Then I say, “Well, you were talking, and if you weren’t sleeping then that is pretty rude for you to keep talking while we are trying to watch a movie.” Then MIL says, “I can’t help it if I talk in my sleep.” Then I say, “Oh, so you were sleeping?” MIL responds, “Well, I guess I was. But I can’t help it. I can’t help that I fall asleep.” Then I respond, “No, you can’t help when you fall asleep, but you can control where you fall asleep by going to your room now.” And then she gets upset, “I don’t want to go to bed.” Then I say, “You don’t have to go to sleep, just go to your room so that you don’t disrupt us if you do fall asleep.” I can’t even tell you how any times we have had this exact conversation.
She complains that she doesn’t sleep at night, and we keep explaining to her that it is because she is frequently falling asleep during the day and early evening and that is messing up her sleep cycle. I have encouraged MIL to take a scheduled nap in the afternoon, hoping that would stave off the daytime nodding off, but she refuses to listen to any suggestions I have. I have encouraged her to drink some actual caffeine in the morning or during the day to try to regulate her sleep schedule. She also ignores that suggestion.
My husband has instituted a “3 strikes” rule when we are watching TV. This has helped. We wake her up when she starts talking in her sleep, and remind her that if she is going to talk she will be sent to her room if she gets 3 strikes. This way MIL gets fair warning and the opportunity to change her behavior (which she typically truly cannot help), and we don’t look like such assholes for sending a 64-year-old woman to her bedroom.
I find this sleep disorder maddening. As someone who has trouble falling asleep at night it is hard for me to comprehend why someone would fight their body telling them to go to sleep. When my eyes start to close I take a nap (obviously when the situation allows it). It is one more way in which MIL is the child, and I am the parent, always trying to get her to take a nap, go to her bedroom, stop interrupting, respect our boundaries and follow the rules.
I am so tired. I am tired of trying to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. I am tired of giving advice to someone who doesn’t care what I have to say, or respect the fact that as a social worker I have clinical experience helping people who have sleep disorders. I am tired of wasting my breath and wasting my energy on someone who has become so unlikable. I’m tired of feeling like the bad guy. I am tired of having to tell an adult woman to leave the room so we can have some privacy and enjoy a TV show when all she does is sleep. I am just so tired. Wake me up when it’s all over.
The Reluctant Caregiver 